


A Cure for Cramps

by EndoratheWitch



Series: Gotham Nights [15]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Harley Quinn (Comics), Suicide Squad (2016), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Bank Robbery, Bus, F/M, Gotham City - Freeform, Joker and Harley Quinn in a NON abusive relationship, Sex of course, Smut, annoying henchman, messed up plans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-20 01:26:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15523032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker and Harley hire some new recruits.





	A Cure for Cramps

Joker wore a dark purple suit with his favorite orange vest, green shirt and his yellow bowtie and sat on his throne (it was actually a large purple armchair that Bob had found at the Goodwill and brought back for Joker. Harley had found a gold and purple throw to toss over the back that made it look a little more “royal.” Bob was currently on the search for a chair of equal size and cushiness for Harley, but until then…) Joker sat with his legs spread wide wearing his favorite black dress shoes and spats with Harley on his lap as he waited to see the new recruits. 

Joker pulled Harley closer and wrapped an arm around her legs, his other arm around her waist. He liked having her sitting on his lap, her arm around his neck, her breasts right there in front of him. He grinned glancing down at them. Her hair was up in a pair of long pigtails, the ends of which she had dyed red and black. She was wearing a pair of red and black leggings with those knee high boots he liked, a tiny little red and black blouse with the corset wrapped around her waist. He could have done without the corset, but he did enjoy the way it made her breasts stand up at attention and bounce when she did...well almost anything. He also liked that the corset left a nice, bare bit of skin between it and the top of her pants, which was where his fingers were currently resting. Though he had his gloves on he could feel the heat of her skin through the leather; he slowly stroked his fingers back and forth along her skin as Bob motioned the new recruits into the room. 

Frost, wearing a dark navy blue suit, stood behind and off to the side of the “throne” his gun out ready to shoot anyone that Joker needed shot. 

Harley swung her legs a bit and reached into Joker’s jacket to pull out his packet of cigarettes and his lighter. He glanced once at the new recruits, but his attention was quickly drawn to Harley as she put the cigarette between her lips. She glanced sideways at him and winked as she lit the cigarette. Frost stepped forward. 

“All right,” he began, addressing the recruits. “You’ve all been recruited into Joker’s gang. The rules are this: you do whatever the Boss tells you; you wear clown makeup; you take orders from Joker, Harley Quinn, me, or Bob. You do not talk back and you will all get a share from any jobs we do. Got it?” 

Harley took a few puffs on the cigarette until the tip burned a warm orange before she took a deep drag. 

Joker grinned watching her. Harley didn’t smoke, but she would occasionally take a drag on the cigarettes she lit for him. He found it incredibly sexy. 

She turned the cigarette around and Joker opened his mouth for her to place it between his lips as she slowly released the smoke from her lungs. She didn’t blow it at him so much as the smoke simply rolled from between her lips and caressed his face. 

Joker chuckled, taking his own drag on the cigarette holding the smoke in his lungs as he removed the cigarette. Harley leaned in to kiss him, at the same time running her fingers through his hair. They kissed slowly, smoke rolled from Joker’s mouth into hers. Harley curled in closer to him, one hand caressed the side of his throat while the fingers of her other hand played his hair. She leaned in closer yet and her thumb brushed his bottom lip as she slipped her tongue into his mouth. Joker moaned softly, squeezed her closer while his tongue caressed hers. Harley made a little growl. 

Frost glanced at Joker and Harley, but said nothing. He simply stood at attention and waited. 

One of the henchmen held up his hand. 

Frost frowned. Usually the new guys were smart enough to keep their mouths shut. Frost glanced at the Boss, but he was still kissing Harley. In fact, the two of them seemed to have forgotten they had an audience, or as Frost guessed was closer to the real answer, neither of them cared as they continued to kiss. 

Frost pursed his lips and pointed at the man. “What?” 

The man spoke again and Frost’s eyes widened in surprise. Never in all his years had he heard a more high pitched nasally voice than what came out of this man’s mouth. 

“Ah, Frost sir--what if we’re allergic to the makeup?” 

The other four recruits, two more men and two women, all snickered. 

Frost blinked. That was the first time he had ever been asked that question. He glanced over at Joker who was still involved with kissing Harley. 

Harley had turned to straddle the Boss’s lap. She leaned over him, kissing him passionately. She had a hold of Joker’s green hair and was forcing his head back while she caressed his cheek with her other hand. Joker had his hand with the cigarette dangling off the chair, his other hand around her waist. Frost grimaced. Okay he thought to himself, he needed to get these guys out of here because Joker and Harley were clearly not paying attention and it looked like they were going to be working on breaking in the new chair soon. 

Frost cleared his throat. “What’s your name?” 

“Taylor.” The man’s voice made Frost shudder. He was a tall, fairly well built young man with thick brown hair and brown eyes. There was nothing remarkable about him. 

Frost figured he couldn’t be more than twenty-eight, maybe thirty. “Okay Taylor. Ah...we’ve never had any complaints before, so I think you’ll be fine.” 

Taylor frowned. “I got really sensitive skin. If I use the wrong soap, I break out.” 

Frost shifted his weight on his feet. “Look, Taylor, you’ll be fine. I promise.” 

“I don’t know...I mean…my mother said I have baby soft skin...” Taylor’s voice reached such a high pitch that it was enough to jolt Joker and Harley out of their impromptu make-out session. 

Joker looked around Harley toward Taylor. He took a drag on his cigarette and narrowed his eyes. “What’s the problem Frost?” he asked as smoke slowly flowed from between his lips. 

Frost sighed. This could go one of two ways--either Joker would kill the man, or he would laugh him off and simply ignore him. 

Frost gestured at Taylor. “Well sir, Taylor here is worried that the required clown makeup will make him break out.” 

Joker laughed settling back in his chair. His hand dangled the cigarette between his fingers while his other hand rested on Harley’s ass. “Mm...never had anyone ask that question before.” Joker leaned over to look at Bob, who was playing with his tutu moving it back and forth. “Bob, has anyone ever had problems with the makeup we provide?” Bob, who was wearing a pink and grey tutu dress, the skirt was made of pink, silver and black tulle that had been twisted so that when Bob moved his hips the skirt twirled prettily. He had on a grey t-shirt, grey leggings and a pair of pink ballet shoes (Frost wondered, not for the first time, where on earth had the man found ballet shoes in his size?) Bob had finished his look by adding a pink headband with ribbons that cascaded down like dog ears on either side of his head. 

Bob shook his head back and forth vigorously with a frown on his lips. 

Joker laughed. “See there Taylor my darling, no worries.” 

Taylor raised his hand, about to say something again when the woman next to him elbowed Taylor in the side. Taylor yelped and gave the woman a dirty look. He frowned, but snapped his mouth closed. 

Joker laughed, tossing the butt of his cigarette onto the floor and stood up while at the same time he lifted Harley up into his arms. Harley giggled with delight, kicking her legs playfully as Joker sighed. “All right, everyone out. Frost and Bob will tell you what to do and Bob will distribute the makeup, costumes, weapons. I want everyone ready tomorrow; we are going to be robbing the Gotham Central Bank and I want everyone ready. It’s gonna be a hoot!” 

With that Joker turned his back on the new recruits and carried Harley out of the room. Harley giggled and waved goodbye at everyone as Joker carried her out and kicked the door shut behind him. 

Frost sighed sharing a glance with Bob before he slipped his gun back in its holster. “All right boys and girls, let’s get you suited up.” 

* 

Joker carried Harley up the stairs to their room up above the rest of their hideout. 

“Puddin I thought you were gonna give them a speech or something?” Harley asked as Joker set her down on her feet and he began to work on the laces at the front of her corset. 

“Nah, most of them won’t make it back tomorrow so why bother? Especially that Taylor.” Joker shuddered as he got the ties loose and grinned as he pulled the corset free, peeling the leather straps that criss crossed her back and over her shoulders, down her arms until he had the entire thing off her and tossed it over his shoulder. 

Harley giggled. “That voice!! I’m surprised the guy is still alive as it is. I would have thought someone would have killed him by now.” 

Joker laughed as he pulled her top over her head to expose her breasts. His eyes were on her breasts as Harley began to unbuckle the belt of around her waist before she sat down and started to unzip her boots. Joker pulled his gloves off with his teeth, grinning, watching the way her breasts moved, the sexy way her legs looked as she slowly pulled the zipper down. He had no idea why her unzipping her boots always made him horny, but boy did it! Joker chuckled to himself. 

“Well maybe someone will accidently shoot him.” Joker giggled as he tossed his gloves away and pulled his bow tie loose before he began to work on the buttons of his vest. 

Harley stood up and shimmied out of her leggings until she was standing completely naked in front of Joker. Without her boots Harley lost a couple of inches of height. Joker looked down at her with a big grin. She looked so sweet, sexy and adorable, short, naked and wearing pigtails. 

She stepped closer and took over unbuttoning his vest. 

“I’m surprised you didn’t shoot him yourself puddin,” Harley purred pulling his jacket off his shoulders, then his vest (Joker shook his shoulders letting the garments fall to the floor) before she tugged his shirt out of his pants and began to slowly undo the buttons of his dress shirt. 

“Remember pumpkin, I gave up shooting henchmen for lent.” Joker giggled, then purred softly as Harley ran her hands up his chest and over his shoulders, pushing the shirt off at the same time. She leaned in and licked his chin as her hands wandered down his chest and over his sides. She loved the feel of his skin. He had many scars that told many stories. She loved the fact that she was the only one in Gotham who could touch him, caress him, fuck him. No one else--he was all hers and that made her purr. 

“So you did puddin, I forgot. But you’re not even Catholic puddin...” Harley smiled, sliding her hands down to his pants and without looking she started to unbutton them and ease the zipper down. She slipped her hand into his boxers and began to slowly massage his quickly hardening shaft while easing his slacks down. 

Joker groaned and his eyes rolled back. “Ugh...Harls…” He giggled. “I know...that’s why it’s so difficult giving up things for lent...uh…” He grinned lopsidedly. “Mm...I do like the way you squeeze the melons.” 

She giggled softly. “Think they’ll be ready for tomorrow?” 

“My melons? Oh they’re ready now.” Joker grinned at her and Harley giggled. 

She rubbed a little harder, at the same time Joker reached up to cup her face between his hands, drawing her in for a long, slow kiss. 

Harley whimpered softly. 

Joker chuckled while Harley stepped close again and continued to rub his bulge. 

He grunted and reached down, removing her hand. He grinned against her mouth, holding her hand in his while wrapping his other arm around her waist pulling her up tight against him. Harley looked confused for a moment before she began to giggle. Joker stepped out and guided her in a dance around their tiny bedroom. He moved them in a perfect waltz, one of many dances Harley had learned from her puddin. He guided her near the tall standing mirror in the corner of their room. She giggled to see them, him in his boxers, socks, sock garters and his dress shoes with a very clear erection tenting his boxer shorts, while she was completely naked. 

Joker grinned at her in the mirror. “We just such a perfect couple don’t you think my slice of pumpkin pie?” 

Harley laughed. “Yes, I think we are perfect together.” 

Joker chuckled and pulled her tight against him, waltzing her back toward the bed. Once there he twisted her out from him, holding her at arm's length before he let her go and flopped back on the bed. He sighed happily throwing his arms to the side. 

Harley laughed grabbing his knees, but Joker looked up and motioned her to come hither. 

“Come to daddy Harley.” 

She reached up and pulled his boxers down, releasing his erection from its confinement. Joker groaned smiling a goofy grin as he let Harley lift his legs out of the boxers. She didn’t bother with his shoes and socks; she liked them still being on. She liked his shoes and his legs looked sexy with the garters against his pale skin. Harley moaned as she crawled up onto the bed. 

Joker pushed himself up on his elbows and watched her. He panted softly as her hands stroked his thighs slowly. Harley crawled closer. Her attention was on his erection, pale with just enough rosiness under the white skin to show the blood that filled his member and made it perfect for her to ride on. 

She eased closer, her tongue slowly licked the top of his erection. 

He dropped back down on the bed. Joker’s eyes rolled again with a groan. 

She began to lick him again, her lips catching the head of his erection. She pressed them down against the sensitive skin and kissed him. She started to lick her way lower on him, but Joker reached out and touched her shoulder. “Oh no...this is my treat. Daddy wants his box lunch...to flip the cherry a bit…” Joker waggled his eyebrows at her with a wide grin pleased with himself for using old phrases. 

Harley giggled looking scandalized while at the same time laughing at her lover. She lightly smacked him on the chest. “Puddin!! Really!” 

Joker lifted back up on his elbows. “Really? I can’t eat from the honey pot?” He snickered and licked his lips. “Mm...get up here. Daddy’s wanting his treat.” 

Harley giggled and squealed a little when Joker yanked her up, pushing her into position so that she was on her knees over his face. 

She could see his blue eyes twinkling from between her legs, especially when he gazed at her sex while he waggled his eyebrows at her again. The smile in his eyes was bright as he shifted his face to his side and kissed her thigh. Joker stroked her thighs with the tips of his fingers up to her hips. He pressed his fingers into her skin before he wrapped his arms around her thighs, just before he leaned up slightly to lick her in a long slow caress of his tongue. 

Harley groaned and arched her back, her eyes fluttered closed while Joker’s tongue licked slowly up and down her clitoris, alternating his licks with twirls of his tongue while his hands caressed her sides or slid up to pinch her nipples. Harley bit her bottom lip. She loved the way his tongue felt, warm, wet, the way he twisted it against her, using the tip of his tongue to tease her, sending shudders of pleasure that made her body ache with need. 

She leaned back, one hand on his chest, and with her other hand she reached down to slide her fingers through his thick green hair. She tried not to move to much, but when he reached around to use his fingers to spread her wider before pressing his whole mouth to her more vigorously, sucking on her, his tongue playing with her swollen clitoris in such a way Harley jerked and hissed. “Uh...Puddin!” Harley couldn’t help herself. She groaned loudly and thrust her hips. 

Joker chuckled. The tip of his tongue found that sensitive spot and reveled over it, sucking and licking, burying face against her. His tongue sought out every inch of her that he could. He reached around and cupped her ass with his hands, pressing her down on him so he could suck on her, kiss her deeply with his tongue, to move his mouth over her sex greedily. He never hurried, he made sure his licks and sucks were slow and as torturous as he could make them--he wanted his girl screaming when she climaxed. 

Harley began to pant, her breath desperate gasps as she began to move with more earnest. 

Joker groaned and pressed his lips to her with a little more aggression. Her little moans and gasps of pleasure made his groin ache with need, his erection ready to burst, he was so hard, the urge to fuck her so strong, but he fought it. He refused to stop until she achieved climax. He adjusted his grip on her, using the flat of his tongue against her, alternating that with pressing his lips to her clitoris and sucking. Her responding noises and shift of her hips, the tight tug on his hair, told him he was on the right track to getting her to orgasm. He grinned feeling and tasting how wet she was, coating his lips and tongue with herself...Joker groaned biting at her gently. He couldn’t get enough and when Harley pulled his hair he thought for a moment he might jump the gun and climax himself. 

He held her more firmly over him shifting her up for just a little bit more so he could flick his tongue inside her, in and out, licking the sides of her opening before plunging his tongue into her. Harley’s gasp, the tightening of her body over him made him grin wide against her. He reached up to drag his fingers over one of her breasts, lightly pinching the nipple before he began to brush his thumb over her nipple back and forth in time to the flicks of his tongue entering her body. He closed his eyes, enjoying himself immensely as he moved his lips against her, back and forth slowly while weaving his tongue back and forth inside her as deeply as he could. Harley hissed with pleasure, her hips moving in time to the movements of Joker’s tongue. She reached up to grab his hand on her breast. She weaved her fingers with his and began to thrust her hips, small thrusts, (she didn’t want to suffocate him), her panting becoming louder. 

“Oh...puddin...ah…” 

Joker grinned. He loved to hear his name on her lips, panting as she came. He attacked her more vigorously, he needed to taste her orgasm, to hear and feel her cum. His grip on her tightened, but then Harley leaned back with one hand and grabbed his erection. 

Joker grunted in surprise. Harley stroked him up and down while at the same time Joker buried his mouth more aggressively against her. 

Joker groaned as her grip on him send shivers up his spine. He loved the feel of her thighs on either side of his face, the warm musky smell of her sex, the taste of her on his tongue. He needed to feel her on him, he wanted her to fuck him, just fuck him right into the freakin mattress he thought as he dropped his hands to her rear, pushed her up a bit and began to fuck her with earnest, his tongue moving in and out of her, only alternating to suck on her clitoris until he felt that tell tale sign that she was about to orgasm. Joker’s grin spread across his face. 

Harley moaned loudly. She felt the warm, shivering ripple of pleasure build, build until it burst like a bubble. Warmth and delicious shudders ran through her as she cried out. 

Joker groaned when her grip on his hair tightened when she came. He held her over him still, lapping up the juices from her while she rode out her orgasm, thrusting her hips back and forth on him, covering his lips, tongue and chin with her juices until he couldn't take it anymore. He needed her, needed to feel her on top of him. 

Joker began to shove her down his body. 

Harley released his erection and went willingly. While her orgasm was fantastic, nothing beat having her puddin inside her. She slid down his body, grabbing him once more only so she could slide down him, gasping as she lowered herself down, feeling him push up into her, filling that ache in her body. 

Joker hissed when she enveloped him, surrounding him in wet warmth, her muscles pressing around him made his eyes cross. She felt so damn good! 

Harley licked her lips, pressing her hands on his chest. 

He grinned, his mouth and chin wet from her. He giggled. “You gonna ride me Harley?” 

Harley purred. “Mm...oh yes puddin...you just lie there and relax.” 

Joker rested his hands on her hips and adjusted his legs, which were still off the edge of the bed, spreading his legs wider in order to have her more firmly on his lap. 

Harley leaned back and grabbed his knees. 

Joker groaned looking down his body to see himself inside her, Harley’s sex fully exposed to him, swollen, wet and bright pink, his pale member buried within her. He pressed his teeth into his bottom lip, his eyes wandered up her body to take in her full breasts, the way she was stretched back, her hands squeezed his knees. Joker groaned again. He could orgasm right now, just like this...but then Harley began to grind herself on him and he thought he might lose his mind...again. That notion evoked a chuckle from between his groaning. 

Harley stretched her back, using his knees to push herself upright. She dropped forward, wrapping her arms around his head and stared into his eyes. 

She began to move her hips up and down, slowly raising her hips up until he almost came loose from her, before sliding back down. 

Joker’s eyes rolled, his hands held her hips tight. “Uh...Harley…fuck me, fuck me hard Harley.” 

Harley brushed her nose against him continuing her slow up and down movements. “I love you.” she murmured, brushing his lisp with her own. “I love you puddin.” 

Joker groaned softly. His whole body was shuddering. “Harls...hmm...I love you too….” he giggled while his eyes rolled with pleasure. 

Harley grinned brightly. She loved it when he said he loved her, loved to hear those words on his lips because she knew he meant them...only for her. She kissed him, long and deep before she pushed herself back up placing one hand behind her, gripping his thigh as she reached down and began to rub her fingers over her clitoris. 

Joker’s eyes widened with pleasure watching her. She kept rolling her hips back and forth while touching herself at the same time. Joker alternated between watching her touch herself, to watching the expression on her face. He caught his bottom lip in his teeth, his brow furrowed as he watched her breasts, squeezed together, the nipples hard and rosy, the look of passionate abandon on her face. He hissed and ran his hands up her sides, feeling the flow of her figure, the softness of her skin… 

His groin ached and he panted heavily as he struggled to hold back watching his girl play with herself until he thought he just might pass out from holding back. The thought was enough to distract him for a few seconds, wondering if it was possible to pass out from anticipation when Harley’s body tightened around him. She arched back, her fingers dug into his thigh as she cried out. He felt her orgasm ripple through her, as if racing down from her core to burst over him like a bubble. He didn’t have time to contemplate it further as her orgasm seemed to yank his own from him. He cried out, grabbed her hips as he thrust up, coming swiftly and suddenly when Harley climaxed. 

She dropped down, kissing him hard, her hips pistoned up and down as she rode out her climax and apparently was trying to kill him as she continued to move. 

Joker grunted and groan, his body reduced to spasms as he girlfriend used him, he was completely at her will as she continued to thrust her hips up and down on him. He held on to her, kissing her back just as passionately, his eyes rolling back, his arms tight around her, waiting for the moment he completely short circuited as bursts and ripples of intense pleasure followed every movement of his girl until Harley finally collapsed against him. 

She kissed his chin, his cheek before she nuzzled against his neck. 

“Oh puddin...that was so good…” 

Joker chuckled. “I think you’re trying to kill me.” 

Harley frowned and pushed up just enough to look him in the eye. “What?” 

“There’s only so much a man can take pumpkin...you push me to that edge then I fall right off…” He demonstrated with his hand while he made a whoosh sound and laughed. “It’s great!! This is how I want to die! Having sex with my girl!!” 

Harley giggled, but lightly smacked his shoulder. “Stop it, no talking about dying!” 

Joker pouted. “Okay.” He pulled her back down and wrapped his arms around her smiling contently. They were quiet, just happy, their bodies loose and relaxed. Harley let out a contented sigh just as Joker whispered. “The Clown Prince of Crime dies of fucking. Harley Quinn is suspected of fucking him to death. What a way to go.” 

Harley snorted. “Stop it.” 

Joker smiled as he pressed a kiss against her ear. He lazily stroked her back, unwilling to move, enjoying the feel of being buried inside her, wet and sticky. 

Harley nuzzled him gently when Joker murmured. “The Joker, murdered by fucking...she rode him to death…” 

Harley growled playfully. “You’re an ass.” 

Joker just laughed. 

* 

Joker, dressed in his favorite purple pinstripe outfit with a long, dark purple trench coat over it, walked outside and pulled his hat down low on his head as he hurried to the car. It had started to rain. Frost was at the wheel with Harley sitting in the middle. She was dressed in black top and ruffled shorts. She had on another corset, this one black and red striped along with a black garter belt that was holding up some thigh high black and red striped stockings. Her outfit was completed with some little black boots and red and black striped gloves. She had her hair in pigtails again, but with red ribbons on one side and black on the other. Her face was painted white, with black diamonds over her eyes. 

He slipped into the van beside Harley with a grin. “You look gorgeous my dear.” 

Harley giggled. “You told me that already.” 

“Well it bears repeating,” he said with a grin as he leaned over to kiss her cheek. 

Joker turned around to look at his “men” in the back. Bob sat in the back with the men, knitting. (Knitting was Bob’s new hobby.) They were all dressed up in clown outfits, makeup in place...except one. 

Joker narrowed his eyes at Taylor who had on a clown outfit, but his face was bare. “Why aren’t you wearing makeup Taylor?” Joker inquired, his voice low. 

Taylor spoke up, the high pitch whine immediately grating on Joker’s nerves. “Sorry Boss, but my skin is just too sensitive, like I knew it would be.” 

Joker pursed his lips, eyes narrowed as he turned back around and folded his arms over his chest clearly upset. 

Harley frowned glancing at her puddin before she turned around and glared at Taylor. “Next time you wear the makeup. I don’t care if you break out in a rash. You got it?” 

Taylor sighed. “I suppose so.” 

Everyone exchanged looks. Harley snarled. 

Frost shook his head back and forth with a sigh. Taylor was not making himself...valuable. He glanced sideways at Joker. The Boss was clearly annoyed, but wasn’t just shooting the man. Frost wasn’t sure why...maybe it was that Lent thing he was talking about a few days ago...either way Frost felt like it was only a matter of time before Joker decided Lent wasn’t fun anymore. 

And then they would be less one henchman. 

Harley rested her hand on Joker’s thigh and rubbed softly. “You okay puddin?” 

Joker glanced sideways at her. He held himself up straight, his shoulders tense, but as she continued to rub her hand up and down his thigh he slowly relaxed. 

“Yes pumpkin...I’m fine. I hate non-team players,” he murmured. “Ruins the whole aesthetic.” 

Harley smiled and leaned into kiss his cheek. “Don’t worry, just think about how much fun this is going to be!” 

Joker chuckled softly. “You’re right sweets. We haven't done a good old bank robbery in forever!” 

Harley giggled. “No we haven’t! I wonder if Batman will show up?” 

Joker grinned. “Oh I hope so! I know it’s a bit early for him--being afternoon--but I figured it's rainy and gloomy out so he might be out wandering about.” He clapped his hands in excitement. “It will so fun!” 

* 

In the back of the van the gang were excitedly talking about the robbery. One of the men, his face painted in white and blue grinned. “Let’s see, that’s eight shares right?” 

One of the women, her makeup in pink and white shook her head. “No, it's nine shares. Harley gets her own.” 

Taylor spoke up, his voice quiet, but still containing that high whine. “Well that doesn’t seem fair.” 

The woman, who went by the name Razor, glared at Taylor. “And why is that?” 

“Because she doesn’t do anything except be the Joker’s girlfriend.” 

Razor narrowed her eyes. “That ain't true. I heard she does a lot of the planning and execution of the Joker’s plots.” 

Taylor shook his head. “Nnooo...that isn’t true at all. She is just his girlfriend.” 

“Is not! She is an important part of all his plans.” Razor glared at him, as if daring him to say something else. 

Taylor shook his head. “Nnooo. Women just aren’t good at that kind of analytical planning.” 

Razor started to stand up. “What did you just say??” 

Bob sighed, looking up from his knitting. He glanced at Taylor and narrowed his eyes. One of the other women grabbed Razor to prevent her from lunging at Taylor. 

Harley turned around. “Keep it quiet back there!” she hissed. 

The henchmen calmed down, but Taylor murmured, determined to get the last word. “It’s a proven fact.” 

Razor spat at him. 

Bob reached over behind one of the other men and smacked Taylor on the back of his head. 

Taylor yelped. “Why’d you do that for?” 

* 

Getting into the bank had gone off without a hitch. Two men had ziplined onto the roof of the bank, cutting the alarm lines, and disengaging the silent alarm. The rest of the gang had come through the front door, firing their weapons, throwing the bank personnel and customers off long enough for them to be subdued. Joker had instructed them to tape hand grenades to all the “hostages,” which would encourage them all to cooperate. They didn’t need to know the grenade's were joke grenades set to go off and release permanent purple and green dye. It was going to be funny because these people would be dyed green or purple--or both--for weeks. 

Joker grinned with satisfaction; his men had finished putting money into the sacks and they had broken into the vault. (Joker had brought old fashioned white bags which he and Harley had painted smiling faces on…because.) The bags of money were being transferred to the van, and everything was going as planned. Joker’s teeth shone with his delight. 

The only thing that hadn’t happened yet was Batman arriving. Joker sighed looking out the window. The streets of Gotham were busy, cars zipping by, people walking past, huddled under their umbrellas without realizing there was a robbery going on. Jaded Gothamites, he thought with a wry twist to his lips. 

Joker sighed again as Harley walked up beside him, her gun at her side. She looked at him with concern. “You okay puddin?” 

Joker watched the rain. “Oh I guess it was too much to ask for Batman to show up today.” 

Harley put her arm around his waist. “It’s okay puddin. He’ll show up next time.” 

Joker nodded pulling his hat off and leaned against Harley, draped his arm over her shoulders. “You’re right. Plus, won’t he be angry when he finds out he missed me!” 

They both laughed when Frost came over along with Bob who was dressed in a black tutu that stuck out stiffly around his waist. Frost shared a look with Bob. 

“Okay Boss we’re ready, money’s loaded up.” 

“Uhh...shouldn’t we be going soon?” 

The four of them turned to see Taylor standing there holding the pins from all the grenade's, the hostages behind him were writhing and twisting, the tape over their mouths prevented them from yelling. Joker frowned. Immediately something felt off. He shrugged it off, his plans always went off without a hitch...that is unless Batman showed up, which was always fun... 

Joker rolled his eyes at Taylor. “Yes, but those grenades are special, why did you bother removing the pins? I have them set to go off with this...” Joker held up a remote that would have the grenades all going off at once as soon as they left the building. It was going to be an explosion of green and purple. He couldn’t wait to see it on the news tonight. 

Taylor frowned. “I thought...I replaced them with real ones...I thought you didn’t know they were duds…you know, so I switched them out.” 

Joker’s eyes widened. He looked at the hostages then back at Taylor. “You replaced my joke grenades with real ones?” 

Taylor smiled clearly pleased with himself. “I did.” 

Joker’s left eye twitched. 

Harley’s eyes widened as she whispered. “Fuck.” 

Frost immediately did something he didn’t usually do, he grabbed Joker and Harley by their upper arms and started to haul ass out of the bank yelling as he did so. 

“EVERYBODY OUT!! LET’S GO!!” 

No sooner had Frost hauled Joker and Harley out of the bank than the first grenade went off. The explosion rocked the building and threw everyone to the sidewalk. Frost was on his feet in the next second, Joker right behind him. Joker grabbed Harley and started to run toward the van with his gang behind him. Another explosion went off, quickly followed by several more. 

Everyone piled into the van and Frost slammed the key into the ignition and hit the gas. The van leapt away as the bank was rocked by several more detonations. 

* 

Joker sat on the couch in front of the television set in their living room, wearing only his boxers and nothing else. He held his arms crossed over his chest, his legs set wide apart as he glared at the news. 

“In downtown Gotham today, the First National Bank of Gotham was hit by robbers. It is suspected to be the work of the Joker as several witnesses saw him and Harley Quinn fleeing the scene. At least twenty people are suspected dead...” 

Joker snarled. “I can’t take any pride in it BECAUSE I DIDN’T DO IT!” Joker yelled at the newscaster in the TV. 

Harley came over to sit beside him wearing only a pair of tiny red panties and a little red see through teddy top. Her hair was down, freshly washed and dried. 

“It’s okay puddin.” She curled up beside him and nibbled on his ear. 

Joker tried to remain annoyed, but he smiled leaning into her attentions. “I just hate being credited for something I didn’t do...it’s not the first time this has happened and every time it does, it ANNOYS ME!” He glared at the television. 

Harley purred. “Why don’t you let me take your mind off of that stupid bank robbery.” 

She nibbled his ear. Joker giggled softly. “Well I suppose…” 

Harley nibbled on his neck. Her hand had slid down his stomach and into his boxers where she was soon gently rubbing and squeezing his erection when there was a knock at their door. 

Joker groaned loudly dropping his head back against the couch and shouted. “WHO THE FUCK IS IT?” 

“Sorry Boss, it's me and Bob. We need to talk to you.” 

Joker frowned then sighed. “Enter!” 

Harley pulled her hand out of his boxers and folded her arms over her chest with a pout bringing her legs up to sit cross-legged. 

Bob, dressed all in green, and Frost, in his regular blue suit, came in and Joker motioned them over, picking up the remote to turn off the tv. “What can I do for you my darlings?” Joker asked leaning back , putting an arm around Harley. He didn’t seem to care all that much that his erection, in his boxers, was still clearly visible. 

Frost and Bob shared a look before Frost spoke. “It’s about Taylor sir.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes at the mention of Taylor. His voice lowered a half-octave. “What about him?” 

“Well Boss, the other gang members are irritated with him. He’s making rape jokes, he won’t stop whining about his shoulder that he apparently hurt during the heist. And well, he seems to think he did a good job at the bank and that we wouldn’t have gotten away with all the money if it wasn’t for him. He was telling everyone how happy you were with him and how he is the best henchmen in the history of Joker henchmen.” 

Joker lifted a brow. “He did, did he?” 

Bob nodded vigorously and Frost did the same. “Yeah Boss, he did.” 

Joker snarled grinding his teeth. Harley reached out and squeezed his thigh. “You’re grinding your teeth again puddin.” 

Frost chewed his bottom lip. “We need to get rid of him Boss.” 

Harley tapped out a pattern on her knees. “Maybe we could get him arrested?” 

Joker shook his head. “Nah...he might get out and just end up back here.” 

“You could just shoot him Boss.” Frost suggested, but Joker shook his head. “Lent Frost. Lent!” 

Joker sighed. “I could have you shoot him but that wouldn’t be as satisfying as doing it myself.” 

They were all quiet for a few minutes trying to think of a plan when Harley murmured. “We could maybe...I don’t know, throw him into some acid?” 

Joker stared at Harley as if she had grown another head. “What?” She frowned looking annoyed at him. “It’s not shooting him.” 

Joker turned and grabbed her face with both hands kissing her hard. 

Harley yelped, but then melted into a puddle. He moved his mouth over hers, his tongue sliding between her lips until Harley was making little mewling noises of want. He pulled away from her still holding her face between his hands, her lips smushed into a pucker. “You my little pumpkin pie are brilliant!” 

Joker yanked Harley onto his lap and directed his attention to Frost. “I want you to arrange it, a little field trip. I want everyone there to watch us throw Taylor into the vat of acid. It’ll be fun! We should bring cupcakes!” 

Harley giggled happily as Frost and Bob shared a smile. 

“Will do Boss. Thanks,” Frost said and Joker waved him off. “Go go my sweet.” He turned to Harley. “Now you deserve a reward for being so smart!” 

Frost heard Harley squeal as Joker tossed her onto her back on the couch, her legs going up into the air as Joker dived down on top of her. 

* 

The gang were standing outside the gate of the boarded up ACE Chemicals factory. It was raining pretty strongly, drenching everything and creating a steady, sussurus again the ground. Joker and Harley were standing together in matching trench coats, Joker’s purple, hers red, under a large purple and black umbrella that reminded Harley of a circus tent with its peaked top and scalloped sides. Joker held the umbrella, one arm around Harley as Bean, one of the new guys, held a flashlight up so that Bob could work at picking the lock. 

Joker frowned and whispered to Harley. “I’m still miffed no one brought cupcakes.” 

Harley whispered back. “Frost said someone mentioned it and Taylor started going on about only being able to eat vegan cupcakes so no one went to get any, afraid that Taylor would make a fuss and whine about it all night.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “I hate Taylor even more now.” 

Everyone knew why they were there at the factory, everyone that was except Taylor, who was rubbing his hands up and down his arms and complaining. 

“The wet is really bad for my sinuses. I have very delicate sinuses you know.” Taylor moved in a circle. 

Harley felt Joker twitch in irritation beside her. She slipped her arm around his waist and squeezed him close to her. He looked down at her and Harley smiled and mouthed. “I’m going to fuck you to death after this.” 

Joker lifted a brow at her as she giggled and smiled. He glanced back at Bob’s back. They needed to get this little party over with so he could get Harley home. 

“Bob dear, what’s taking so long?” Joker asked trying to keep the irritation out of the voice. 

Bob, back in his black tutu, turned around, his lock pick tools in his hand and shrugged. 

Joker sighed as Taylor spoke--loudly--again. “The rain is really bad for my joints and stuff too. I get muscle cramps as well.” He started to walk up and down the sidewalk. “It really helps to work cramps out you know. I know all about cramps and stuff. Ask me anything…” Taylor’s high pitched whiny voice broke through the sound of the rain, the cars, everything. Frost thought that Taylor’s voice could pierce vacuum. 

Joker opened his mouth, about ready to tell Taylor to go play with the strip in the middle of the road, when the young man took a step backwards, gesturing as he spoke about cramps… 

Just as a Gotham city bus zipped by. 

The impact was so sudden, that Taylor simply vanished from view while the entire gang was splattered with blood. 

Everyone stood in shocked silence, even Joker and Harley, but the Gotham City bus didn’t stop, but continued on its way as if nothing had happened. 

They all looked out onto the street where Taylor now lay, his head twisted completely around, his arms and legs bent at awkward angles. 

Joker giggled. “Cramps, they’ll get you every time.” 

That seemed to be the signal for everyone to rush forward and look down at Taylor’s mangled body. 

Joker frowned and kicked the body with the toe of his shoe. “Think he’s dead?” 

Harley nodded. “Yeah puddin. I don’t think your head is supposed to be turned at that angle.” 

Joker pulled his gun out. “Well, it's okay to shoot him now.” 

Harley giggled. “Puddin, really?” 

Joker shrugged then in a perfect imitation of Taylor’s high pitched whiny voice Joker grinned. “Well you know, I know everything there is to know about being hit by a bus.” 

Harley groaned as did everyone else. Joker laughed. “I say we shoot him just to make sure.” 

At that every member of the gang who had a gun, pulled it out and at the same time, all of them shot at the body of Taylor until the corpse was so riddled with bullet holes, his face was destroyed that nobody, not even his mother, could tell who he had been. 

Joker chuckled. “Well, since Gotham didn’t seem to like Taylor either...how would you guys feel about going out for donuts?” 

Everyone cheered and Joker laughed motioning at his gang. 

“Let’s go Frost my sweet!! Donuts await us!” 

Harley giggled wrapped her arm around his waist again. 

Joker whispered. “And later I’m looking forward to my death sentence.” 

Harley giggled.


End file.
